Today will be a wasted day I fear. I have little to no motivation for anything, despite my contract arriving in the post this morning... I should be focusing on that and looking through it properly and what not, but I just dont seem to have it in me. I've even already annoyed mum a little by saying I dont wanna do ANYthing today. Go me.

It is in part to chatting to Andy on the phone last night (when are my life and emotions not orbitinging about some guy huh?! *rolls eyes*)
it was late, he'd had a couple of drinks, and went off on one about wether I should be committing to him, cos of how he's not good enough for me, and that with my new job I'll meet someone new, and how he wants me to keep my options open for that, but at the same time he wants me all to himself and yet isnt in a place to commit to anything more serious than what we already have and that my friends "clearly" dont like him (the quotes are cos HE thinks they dont like him, I have no reason to belive that however) and are waiting for him to dump me etc etc etc...
I did what I though was my best to ease all that worry for him, but I think I mostly just got defensive... I think we came to the mutual agreement that things between us are good right now and that neither of us want to change that in any way. Both of us have been hurt by our previous relationship, and as a result dont wanna get in too deep too soon for fear of getting hurt again... but that there is the possibility of settling down together at somepoint is really nice, and is all the security and committement I want or need from him right now.
in amongst all that he said that sarah was telling him stuff about my past realtionships that he didnt know and was upset that I wasnt telling him that stuff about me, and yet (as has happened before when I've tried talking to him) as I was trying to say soemthign to him he'd semi-drunkenly get distracted by something else and I ended up not telling him anything.
then, he seemed to suddenly think I was tired and wanted to go to sleep, and so it was 'ok, you go to sleep, night night, bye' which left me lying there thinking 'oh... ok... bye then...' and that's what's kinda carrying on now, that feeling of I guess being picked up and put down as and when suits him... which SUCKS.
I'm thinking I might go over tonight and try more conversation with him... but I had said I want to spend time with mum before I move... I dont know...

*sigh*
least things on the job and house front are getting there :) and stuff with andy will do too...
maybe possibly perhaps this time I can have it all, a wonderful guy, a great job, and a place to call my own?
a girl can live in hope right?