waking up and crying is an all time new low for me...
crying before falling asleep, I can do that, it became 'normal' for me for a while, and now usually it's just cos I'm overtired and I know that makes me more emotional, but it's not a state I want to go back to...
but this... waking up with the sun pouring through my window - that should be enough to make me want to get up and enjoy the day ahead... so why this morning did I find myself crying??

I hate it, I hate this
(whatever this is)

I'm frustrated I cant do the things I want to do, see the people I want to see... but that's just temporary, even tho it's going on longer than I expected it to, I know it wont be like this forever
I'm still insecure over Andy... I still dont feel I can talk to him... but I think I've hit on another reason why... other than he rebuffs my attempts by telling me I'm being silly, or laughing at me... I've written letters to him, I've emailed him, all in the hope of opening up a conversation, but it never happens... my letters go unanswered, all but the last one just about got acknowledged that they arrived. My emails get a slightly better response rate, but he doesnt often actually reply to what I've written and asked... and it all just adds up to me feeling like he's not interested
it's that he says he cares and I mean an awful lot to him, but what do I have to show it? is he really that much of a man that the only way he can show he cares is by being able to take me out and pay for dinner and drinks?
I get to feeling like we have totally different ideas and expectations... and if that is the case, I want, nay need, to know sooner than later... I'm not prepared to go though it all again, thinking for months or even years that I have a great guy in my life, that thinsg are great between us and we're heading in the same direction, only to find out that it's all wrong
I simply cant do that again...

and yet, I'm not prepared to walk away