I'm so easy to upset... its unreal! usually I can keep on top of stuff like this, but no, not now. Right now all the spite and bitterness is spewing mentally from me like there'll be no tomorrow...
although, maybe I shouldnt be so surprised... on the phone last night he didnt seem that interested in me going over for the weekend, I did persuade him into it...
and so, I have been looking forward to going to see him tonight... I phone him up to make plans, suggested we go picnic tomorrow if the weather is still this fine which he agreed to... then he says tonight's not really a good time for me to turn up, he's goign with his mum to see his sister and deosnt know what time they'll be back... that my train to him would go through the city his sister's moved to didnt help any either... nor that the train I'd get tonight wouldnt get to evesham til 11pm, cos he didnt know what time they'd be back... and he ended the conversation telling me he'd call tonight at 9 or 10ish IF they were back... it was all I could do to not scream that if he's back and calls by 9 I could stil get the f-ing train! grr
I couldnt hide my disappointment, and he just kept telling me to cheer up, in this somewhat bored, disaffected voice, and told me we see more of each other than most other couples... that I should go out with my firends, "you do have them, dont you"...

maybe I'm just being too much... too clingy... cos it just all too often to me seems like he'd do anything than spend the time with me... and argh, it's not that I want to stop him living his life... I just dont like feeling as if I'm fitting in around his schedule...
doesnt help that I'd happily change things around, cancel on friends, asked for shift changes at work, so I could take advantage of a chance to see him...
I bring it on myself then, huh?

so maybe after all, I wont go over this weekend... or maybe I'll just go for the day...

*shrug*

strangely tho, I went to bed feeling as if I was single... there was none of that fuzzy feeling of knowing there's someone out there for me... heh... and I woke up to a dream of making out with someone else too, should I be sorry to say that put a smile on my face?
its not as if I've ever been that sure about being with andy, even at the very beginning something didnt sit right, and it's never really shifted, just hidden away sometiems and come out full force (for me) at others... if it's not one thing, there's something else seemingly getting in the way... 1st it was christmas, then it was being busy at work, and now it's what, looking for a job...

and yes, I know, this is all cos I'm disappointed I wont see him tonight... but should such a simple disappointment really bring forth such extreme thoughts and feelings? what's the right thing to do here, swallow it up and be happy I can see him tomorrow? or go with the potential hurt that this just doesnt feel right for me, that maybe it's just been another waste of time?

and I feel I'm being a bit of a hipocrite... one of the big reasons I still have a good opinion and wish to remain in touch with David is cos he was always open and honest with me... I didnt want to hear it, but when he told me he didnt think he could cope with being a couple but in different cities I knew it was better to not fight it, to not force him into a relationship he wasnt sure about, cos it would only hurt more if I found out weeks or months later on that he hadnt been sure all that time...
Here I am, not sure abut andy, yet I keep up the pretense that it's all fine and going well and heading for good things... well, what if it's not? what if, despite all the good things, there's parts of this that really drag me down?
do I hold onto those good things and fight through the insecurity hoping it'll get better with time? or do I listen to my instincts, try and talk to him to sort it out, and if I have to get out before it gets worse?

cos I've doen it all before... With Loki: I ignored my instincts, hoped that the good times we shared were indicators of what it would be like when things settled, only it didnt seem as if it would without major sacrifices on my part, and deep down I knew all along that was the case, and I left it too late to try and talk it out, cos by the time I stood up for myself and how I felt, it was too far gone to show him what was wrong.
and now with Andy, I try to talk to him when I feel insecure, but he laughs it off, leaves me feeling unsupported (see, at least Loki appeared to listen and support me when we did talk, its just what appeared to be with him wasnt what was). and I've tried keeping my mouth shut and not talking to him about stuff - hence why I blurt so much stuff in here - and neither approach seems to make any difference.

I just wish I didnt get enough to keep hoping, believing that this is a good thing if it's not. it sure doesnt feel that good

but hey ho, maybe this is all just hormonal... either way, you can be sure in a while there'll be a 180swing to the other point of view... possibly in a couple of days I'll 360 right around to back here again...