so... chatting with matt is all good fun, relaxed, easy, sweet :)

I didnt hear form andy the other night, so I did email him about matt... I got a response yesterday saying he was fine with me 'playing the field'
but then when he showed up online, he kinda went off on one... asked where we stood, when I tried to tell him I wanted to take my time to get to know him, he got all a bit defnesive, told me he has really fallen for me, wants me in his life, wont wait for me to make up my mind, that I can go off and 'play with other guys', that he wont play games, that he'll back off
there was something about how he said I coulg play around with other guys that made me feel slutty and dirty
then there's the fact this isnt the 1st time he's flipped out at me when all I was trying to be was honest... I want to be able to talk to the guy Im with without adding any extra worry about how he's gonna react to the mess in my head... and I'm already tiptoeing around andy, it's not good
AND then he pulled a great one on me... after me saying I had to go to bed when we started chatting, an hr later after he'd said his peice he was all 'right, I have to get up early, night' - that brought back a lot of stuff with my ex, the number of times we'd argue til he had to head off somewhere, then once he'd calmed down and he was ok with things, I was supposed to be ok too... I cant run my emotions to someone elses schedule

*sighs* I cant get passed how muchthis reminds me of everything I'm trying to leave behind me... the promises of everything I could ask for, and then some, but actions to suggest otherwise... being sucked in by what I hear cos it sounds so good, and then finding out later that little of it held good, or him being the centre of it all and everything having to work around him

and I KNOW andy's not my ex... I have no doubt that andy's a good guy... but he's setting all these alarm bells ringing, that I cant but want to run away before I get caught up in it all
just at the same time I feel like I'm being harsh, and not giving the guy a chance

and then there's Matt... who's taken everything in his stride, not flipped out at me for anything... and just doesnt confuse me

my instinct tho is to go with matt... so maybe I should take this as a way out of getting in too deep with andy? cos I know I would, part of me feels duty bound to see it through... :s

ugh...